The Fear of Being Alone
What if the fear of being alone came from an older wound?
Activity 1 - Introspection
Objective : Defining what being alone represents to you.
I invite you to answer the following questions as honestly as possible and take at least 3 minutes to answer each question before moving on to the next.
Journal prompt :
On a scale from 0 to 10, how much do you enjoy spending time alone? (0 being not enjoyable at all)
What do you not enjoy about being alone? Explain.
What do you enjoy about being alone? Explain.
What thoughts come up during these moments? How does that make you feel?
"I can’t be alone, I don’t want to, I need a presence around me, I can’t stand being alone, I’m going to die from anxiety."
That’s what I kept repeating whenever the idea of being alone crossed my mind. I was terrified of solitude; I couldn’t spend more than one night alone.
Why was I so afraid?
I was simply afraid of my own presence.
The abandonment wound leads us to our own abandonment, and we end up becoming strangers in our own eyes.
At that time, I no longer knew who I was. I was ignorant of my own self, my needs, and the attention I gave myself consisted mainly of hurting myself.
So how can you feel safe with a stranger in whom you have no trust?
Of course, it’s frightening.
I was also very afraid of being forgotten, abandoned if I wasn’t around my loved ones. I feared what could happen in my absence, of being replaced. Today, it’s clear that I lacked so much self-esteem that I didn’t recognize the value I could have in the eyes of others. I didn’t understand that I could be loved for who I was, even if I wasn’t directly present.
Being alone evokes the very feelings that the abandonment wound has imprinted within us: not feeling seen, loved, or chosen. We feel distant from everything, unimportant, transparent, forgotten—exactly as we felt when we were abandoned.
I remember a weekend I had to spend alone during my studies. My friends were with their families, and since mine lived far away, I chose not to go home that weekend. On Friday evening, I found myself alone in the silence of my studio, and I started to panic at the thought of the weekend ahead. It felt as though I was going to die. Everything is blurry, but I can still see myself sitting against my door, crying, with the sensation that I was about to stop breathing. I was in a full-blown panic attack, paralyzed, unable to move or breathe normally. I was so scared and felt as though I no longer existed for anyone. I had the feeling that I could die there, and no one would notice. I couldn’t tell how long I stayed sitting there. The next morning, I took a train to go home.
For the next four years, I categorically refused to attempt such an experience again. Then, shortly after starting my spiritual journey, my boyfriend at the time had to be away for a month. At that moment, I told myself: “Alizée, it’s now or never. You can do this.”
Tears well up in my eyes as I write these words because that period represents one of the greatest and most beautiful turning points in my life. I can say that it was during that month that I truly got to know myself. I discovered my deepest passions, my desires, my needs, and who I wanted to be.
That time also gave me the opportunity to face the pain I had been carrying for years. I realized how much I had neglected, ignored, and mistreated myself. And for the first time in my life, I acknowledged how much I had suffered—and was still suffering—from my wounds, including the abandonment one.
That’s how my healing journey began — the day I decided to gather all my courage to learn how to be alone and face everything I had been ignoring for years.
Today, I am no longer scared of my own presence. That doesn't mean every moment I spend by myself is easy and joyful. Some are — and definitely more than it used to be. But there are still moments where I need to sit with the pain and the heaviness.
But whether light or heavy, I do my best to fully accept myself in what I am experiencing, without trying to chase the "good feelings" at any price. I used to do that — wanting to feel peace, joy, and love over anger, sadness, and anxiety. But I’ve come to understand that each emotion has its place, and the sacred, the magic, happens when we finally let go of control and simply allow things to be.
So whether you're feeling light and so good, or heavy and anxious, your presence with what is — and who you are at this very moment — makes that time spent by yourself a sacred moment.
Activity 2 - Reflection
Objective: Learn to distinguish between the feeling of loneliness and simply spending time alone.
Journal Prompt: Describe the similarities and differences you currently perceive between being alone and feeling lonely. In your opinion, is the feeling of loneliness intrinsically tied to being alone?
A difference exists between spending time alone and feeling lonely. Feeling lonely evokes the emotion of solitude, which is highly uncomfortable and reflects an internal state of isolation and disconnection. It is because of this feeling that many people do not enjoy spending time alone; they are confronted with the weight of their loneliness. Thus, the issue is not so much being alone but rather the feeling of loneliness that accompanies it, as it is perceived as a danger signal by our body. This is why, often unconsciously, the fear of being alone arises.
However, it is entirely possible to spend time with oneself without necessarily feeling lonely. To access this space, it helps to become familiar with the emotion of loneliness and acknowledge it. When we choose to pay attention to our emotions and accept to feel them, we realize that they don’t represent a danger, and their intensity diminishes.
It is the lack of awareness about emotions that creates the danger.
Moreover, loneliness is not necessarily experienced only when we are physically alone. Most people struggling with loneliness feel alone even when surrounded by others. That was my case: I felt lonely and empty in any circumstances.
In our moments of solitude, we face ourselves, with no one to distract us. We are confronted with what is happening within us, with the distress we may feel. That’s why many people seek to distract themselves through various means such as social media, television, or even food and substance abuse which constitute coping mechanisms. They try to ignore what they feel by compensating with external elements, often harmful to their well-being. Of course, it’s easier to relieve oneself with quick-fix methods; it’s like anesthetics. However, these methods cannot heal you or take away your pain.
What is within you needs to be felt and experienced in order to be released.
So, the more you ignore the messages from your body, the more it will work to make you perceive them. This is how many illnesses start.
I will guide you through a practice I use during coaching sessions to help you reconnect with your emotions — including loneliness — so you can understand its story and offer it what it needs to be released.
Activity 3 - Reconnection through embodiment
Objective: Feeling loneliness in your body to identify its message and origin.
Recommendation: Take the time to fully engage with each step before moving to the next. You may answer the questions in your journal or orally, depending on your preference. Settle comfortably in a place where you won’t be disturbed, ground yourself, and take deep breaths before starting. Try to stay as present and grounded as possible in your sensations, without being distracted by mental noise. It doesn’t need to be perfect—just do your best!
In what part of your body do you feel this loneliness?
Does it have a particular shape, color, or smell? Or perhaps nothing at all?
Feel it fully, for at least 30 seconds without trying to make it go away.
How long have you felt alone and misunderstood?
Can you recall an early memory of feeling this way?
How old were you? What was happening in your life at the time?
What were your needs at that time?
Did you need to hear something specific or be heard?
Take a moment now to give yourself what you needed back then. Deep down, you know what it is, and there are no limits to the methods you can use.
Come back to the present moment, recognizing that this feeling of loneliness belongs to an earlier version of yourself who needed to be heard.
If you feel the need to express yourself in any way to get your emotions moving, I invite you to do so.
This practice can be applied to any emotion. At first, it may be challenging to feel and materialize the emotions in your body, especially if you’re used to repressing them. So if you feel resistance to diving into this practice, it’s normal. It doesn’t mean that it’s not working for you; it just means you need time to get familiar with and reconnect to your emotions.
Nothing disappears; everything transforms, and transformation requires a lot of presence, attention, patience, and looking inward. And you know what? There’s no better time than when you are alone to do this work. Things truly begin to change when you allow yourself to journey inward.
Of course, it’s difficult and can seem like a mountain to climb. But if your happiness and freedom were beyond this mountain, wouldn’t it be worth overcoming it?
Spending time alone, however, isn’t solely about diving into your shadows and doing the deep work. It’s also the best time to get to know yourself, to discover what you love and what brings you joy. It’s a sacred time offered to us to explore ourselves.
Engaging in activities that bring us pleasure represents the lighter side of healing, and it’s just as important as the deeper work. The concept of balance is essential in the healing process—it should never feel like a chore. That’s why it’s important to balance deep work with moments of pleasure and lightness.
Healing is a constant exploration between depth and lightness. Think of deep work as the planting of seeds, and moments of lightness as the time and space necessary for those seeds to bloom.
Activity 4 - Exploring a Past Experience
Objective: Identify what scares you about solitude and the mechanisms you use to cope with it.
Invitation to write: Think of a moment when you were alone and felt overwhelmed by loneliness. Write about this experience: What were you thinking about? How were you feeling? What were you afraid of? What did you do to overcome your emotions?
If you too have a lot of difficulty with solitude, I completely understand you. I know how impossible the idea of spending time alone and enjoying it can seem, but I assure you, it is within your reach. You already have everything within you; your body simply asks you to look inside and listen to its messages. You are capable; we all are.
Start with small moments dedicated to yourself; it doesn’t need to be long. Try new activities to do alone. Meditate, walk in nature, paint, dance, sing, discover yourself. Welcome your shadows with love and compassion, knowing they will reveal your light.
I know how frightening this can seem; I’ve been there. But believe me, the liberation and infinite love you will discover for yourself by facing this fear of solitude will be the most beautiful things you have ever tasted.
The only person who will always be with you is no one other than yourself. So you might as well learn to love that person with all your heart and give them a chance to show you that they are worthy of that love.
It seems important to specify that enjoying being alone doesn’t mean distracting oneself by watching TV, playing video games, or scrolling through social media. These are precisely coping mechanisms used to think about something other than our presence. It’s being alone without really being so. It’s like trying to fill the void within us with external factors. I’m not saying that these things are necessarily bad; it all depends on how they are consumed. Watching a movie can be a great activity. I’m simply saying that we should be mindful not to use them as a way to compensate for inner discomfort.
Enjoying being alone means loving being in the presence of oneself without the need of distraction.
It means being able to reconnect with yourself, with your needs, and to engage in mindful activities that raise your energy level.
What activity can you try today, by yourself, that would enhance your well-being?
Don’t think too much about it; take the first thing that comes to your mind or an activity you enjoyed doing as a child. It’s simply about trying, exploring new horizons to discover yourself.