The Pain of Not Loving Yourself
How can we believe we’re worthy of love when those who mattered abandoned us?
We unconsciously think: I was left because I wasn’t good enough; I didn’t deserve their love. This ultimately leads to a lack of self-love, self-esteem, and confidence.
Activity 1 - Exploring your self-perception and self-esteem
Objective: Gain awareness of how you perceive yourself and the level of self-esteem you hold.
Journal Prompt: Take a moment to reflect and honestly describe the relationship you have with yourself. Use the following questions to guide your reflection, but feel free to explore other thoughts that come to mind:
On a scale from 1 to 10, how would you rate your self-esteem and self-love?
What words do you tend to use when talking about yourself?
How would you describe yourself in three words?
What emotions do you feel as you write this?
What kind of relationship would you like to have with yourself?
The abandonment wound leads us to adopt all kinds of limiting beliefs:
"I am not worthy of being loved."
"I’m not good enough."
"I have no value."
"I’m useless."
"I’m not capable of doing this or that."
And the list goes on... In short, you get the idea—a lot of questions about our own worth. We think we don’t deserve love, that we’re not good enough for it.
At the same time, how can we believe we’re worthy of being loved when the people who mattered to us abandoned us, proving the opposite? How can we trust in our own value after that? We unconsciously tend to make the following shortcut:
I was abandoned because I didn’t deserve their love, I wasn’t good enough for them.
As a result, we automatically lack self-love, self-esteem, and confidence in ourselves.
These same limiting beliefs are key factors leading us to our own abandonment. And this is where the real issue of the abandonment wound lies: we end up distancing ourselves from who we truly are by constantly seeking validation in the eyes of others because we deeply feel that we cannot be loved as our authentic selves.
However, you no longer need to listen to what your mind tells you. I understand that, in the moment, all of this may seem real—but it’s not. Sometimes, it’s simply easier to believe in our limiting beliefs because they represent what we’ve always known and grown up with. They are what is familiar. And know this: our nervous system always craves what is familiar, not necessarily what is healthy—especially when it has been in survival mode for too long. Your nervous system wants to protect you, and anything unknown is perceived as a threat. That’s why it clings to what is familiar, even if it’s painful.
It’s much more difficult and uncomfortable to tell ourselves that we deserve and are worthy of love than it is to keep sabotaging ourselves with limiting beliefs. And it’s absolutely normal to meet resistance when we try to deconstruct these beliefs and replace them with healthier ones.
At the end of the day, these beliefs provide a certain level of comfort. This makes it even more difficult to let them go and replace them, especially when we understand the role they’ve played in shielding and protecting us until now. I know it’s a strange idea—protecting ourselves while simultaneously causing harm—but this is often the nature of protective mechanisms. When we’ve become accustomed to suffering, we may find a sense of comfort in pain, which, unfortunately, leads to self-sabotage.
This is why, to replace old limiting beliefs with new, positive, and healthy ones, it is essential to find ways to reclaim a true sense of inner safety. Reconnecting with oneself and one's self-love are indispensable steps in building this sense of safety.
In addition, it’s as if these beliefs give meaning or an explanation to the abandonment we experienced. The ego always needs an explanation. And in the end, these beliefs are nurtured and sustained by our ego mind.
But our ego doesn’t know everything—it has a very limited view of reality. So even though it can be very convincing, I invite you to take what it says with a grain of salt.
Activity 2 - Exploring your value and boundaries in relationships
Objective: Identify how you perceive your value in the eyes of others and your ability to set healthy boundaries.
Journal prompt:
What value do you think you hold in the eyes of your loved ones?
Are you afraid of losing them? If so, why?
Describe one or more situations where you accepted things you didn’t actually want. Why did you accept them? How did you feel at that moment? What were your fears? In hindsight, what would you have liked to say to the person?
I spent a long time convinced that I wasn’t important to anyone and that I had no value in the eyes of those around me. I truly believed this. I was certain that I could disappear or die without it affecting anyone. I saw myself as a speck of dust that could be swept away and forgotten in the blink of an eye.
I had no love for myself, and honestly, I hated myself. From my point of view, it was inconceivable that anyone could love me, and I think I couldn’t even handle it in some way. I actually understood more the people who hurt me because I thought they were right and that it was simply what I deserved. I also hurt myself a lot, both mentally and physically, so I normalized that others would do the same.
We let others treat us the way we treat ourselves.
I was in a complete illusion because there were people around me who genuinely and deeply loved me, but at the time, I didn’t realize this.
When we lack self-love, we ultimately end up sabotaging ourselves—and often our relationships along with it. Our mind tells us that we don’t deserve to be happy or loved, and so, unconsciously, we do everything we can to sabotage what could actually bring us joy. It’s as if we’re constantly punishing ourselves.
Happiness, joy, love, and peace can feel unbearable and inconceivable for someone who has never known them.
Today, I have become aware of the love that was always within me and around me. And most importantly, even though it hasn’t been easy and some beliefs still resurface, I’ve come to understand that I am worthy of all this love. By choosing to live in love, my perspective on life has changed, and my heart finds peace, day by day. I now do my best to treat myself with love, compassion, and respect—and I attract people who do the same. My relationships have transformed: I’ve let go of those that no longer served me, nurtured the ones that deserved it, and welcomed new, healthy connections aligned with my values.
But you know, healing is not linear—it comes in waves. The reason I’m telling you this is because I don’t want you to think my life is perfect today, that I’m constantly in love with myself, with others, and with everything around me. There are still moments when things feel so intense that I get overwhelmed by my own healing journey. There are still moments when old beliefs resurface and I start second-guessing myself. There are still moments when I cry because I feel exhausted and hurt by old memories. And there are still moments when I ask myself, “What’s the point of all this?”
I don’t have all the answers. I’m not perfectly healed, and I’m not different from you. I’ve just learned to treat myself with compassion and to let things be. I’ve come to understand that it has never been about becoming perfect or having all the answers, but rather about doing our best and accepting ourselves along the way. And when I say acceptance, I mean learning to embrace our shadow parts as much as our light—even if that means feeling deeply uncomfortable with them at first. It’s about no longer hiding and letting things come as they come, even if they’re messy.
It’s not about control—it’s about awareness.
I also used to accept anything from people I lacked trust in, like my boyfriends at the start of relationships, because I was really afraid of losing them. This led me to often act against myself and take actions that weren’t beneficial for me.
I remember that, as a child, I was the perfect little girl when I was with my father. I said yes to everything. I can’t recall a single misstep I made at his place. I acted this way because I didn’t trust him; I knew, unconsciously, that if I wasn’t perfect, he would abandon me. In the end, even though I tried to be as wise and sweet as possible, he still abandoned me.
This simply proves that trying to be perfect and acting against yourself will never make someone stay if they want to leave. It’s extremely difficult to hear, but it’s the truth. It will only make you lose yourself.
If today you struggle to set boundaries, it’s because you no longer trust your authenticity, and external validation has become a vital need.
I don’t judge you at all—if I say this, it’s because I’ve felt exactly the same. I understand what it’s like to want to find yourself in the eyes of others, in their approval. I also know what it’s like to be terrified of making even the smallest mistake, fearing you’ll lose everything. I completely understand you.
We will never be able to please everyone, nor meet all the demands of those around us. Saying yes to everything leads to our downfall and drains our energy until one day we have nothing left to give. This is also something I’ve experienced in some of my relationships. I gave so much of myself in the beginning that I ended up emotionally drained, with no energy left to give. I could also develop resentment toward the person, realizing that I had gone far beyond my limits. That’s why it’s so important to listen to yourself. The person in front of you can’t guess they’re crossing your boundaries unless you name them. Setting healthy boundaries is essential for your well-being and for fostering harmonious relationships with those around you. It is also one of the greatest acts of self-love you can give yourself. I know how uncomfortable it can seem, but you must prioritize yourself and nurture your energy before giving it away.
Activity 3 - Exploring moments when your value was questioned
Objective: Become aware of situations where external judgments have affected your self-perception and understand the impact these experiences have had on your self-esteem.
Journal prompt:
Think about a time when someone questioned your worth and write about it. This could have been through a hurtful remark, questioning your choices, or any other form of judgment. What was the context? Did you try to justify yourself? Did you agree with them? How did it make you feel?
It’s impossible to trust in your own worth without self-love and self-esteem. If you’re not aware of your value, it’s impossible to understand the importance you have for others. So, you’ll tend to do everything to justify your worth to them and, unconsciously, to yourself. But you have nothing to prove.
You are enough just by being yourself.
When we are disconnected from ourselves, it is also common to agree with others' judgments and allow them to tarnish the perception we have of ourselves.
Not long ago, I found myself in a situation where I had to justify myself in every possible way in order to prove my worth. The person in question made really insulting and disrespectful remarks about me. However, he was so important to me that, unconsciously, I accepted everything he said. I questioned everything about myself, then struggled to justify myself in the hope he would finally validate me. I was exhausting myself trying to convince him that I wasn’t who he thought I was. Stepping back, I realized how insulting the situation had been, and that we should never let anyone make us doubt our worth. No one knows us better than we know ourselves, so no one can define who we are.
When we become aware of our true worth, we no longer give others the chance to show us otherwise. By respecting and loving ourselves for who we are, we stop allowing others to treat us differently.
Although this person was important to me and always will be, I chose to distance myself and told him that I would never again accept being treated that way, because I knew my worth and what I deserved.
Our energy is too precious to waste on this type of interaction. We must always make ourselves a priority. Those who truly love you will appreciate your value without you having to make the slightest effort to prove it. The others no longer have a place in your life.
Activity 4 – Reconnecting with Your self-love
Objective: Step back from your limiting beliefs and give yourself the love you deserve to receive.
Journal prompt: Write down your limiting beliefs and thoughts about yourself in your journal to free your mind. Acknowledge them while trying to detach from them and adopt a broader perspective: remember that these beliefs do not reflect reality (even if they might seem like they do) and that they were created by your ego as a means to protect you.
Next, with a fresh sight and by stepping into the perspective of your Highest Self (your true or ideal self), write yourself a love letter—the one you have always dreamed of receiving. Tell yourself everything you have longed to hear. Also, include what actions you will take starting today to prioritize your well-being. Reread this letter whenever you feel the need, as you deserve nothing less than these words of love.
Giving yourself quality time is the foundation of self-love, and it’s through learning to be alone that we discover what truly makes us feel good. When we engage in activities that bring us joy, we open ourselves to love. Knowing how to love yourself is essential for loving others. Self-love is the foundation of all healthy relationships; we cannot truly love someone more than we love ourselves.
The true relationship of love begins within.
I’m talking about true love here, not attachment or dependency.
We attract what is aligned with our energetic frequency. The universe returns to us a hundredfold what is within us. So, if we love ourselves, the universe will send us even more love. On the other hand, the opposite happens when we maintain an unhealthy relationship with ourselves.
You are worthy of loving yourself, being loved, and loving. You now have the choice to free yourself from the weight of limiting beliefs that prevent you from seeing your true worth clearly. You are your most beautiful project, and the person you can no longer lose. Learn to discover yourself and see yourself as you truly are. I promise you, you can find yourself again.